Notes from a Recovering Empath (part 2): 7 Things I No Longer Do

Part two of Notes From A Recovering Empath. Today, we are digging deeper into the steps I have taken to shed counterproductive relational habits. They are the outworkings of shifting inward realities. In them, I hope you find comfort and solidarity.

I continue to walk the road of wholeness after years of merging and people-pleasing. Like you, I do this both imperfectly and inconsistently. BUT, I am learning to give myself grace while I do the next thing.

In a Christian context, I want to live my yes in Christ to serve and love others. But now? Service is an overflow of love, rather than a function of fear. Helping others is an extension of rooted authenticity and compassion—not a desperate attempt to gain approval or cling to a one-sided connection. This distinction has allowed my soul to come to a place of quiet.

In the absence of the noise, I can listen. Rest. Walk away from regrets and situations that no longer work. I can breathe. Listen to God. To His word. To myself.

This quiet peace has only begotten more peace; an internal closet clean-out. Emotional recalibration has ushered in a reclamation of expectations-both of others and of myself.

I now ask myself this question: What is mine to carry?

And in doing so, I now have the emotional energy to show up and be present to my own life- in real time.

As a result, there are a few things I no longer do…

• I don’t tether my hopes to potential. Fiercely committed to reality, I accept people for who they are, rather than who they might one day become. Matthew 7:15-20 comes to mind here…

  Matthew 7:20 “By their fruit you will recognize them.”

• I no longer over-explain or justify my decisions. More boundaries equal fewer explanations in an (often futile) attempt to be understood.

• No more one-sided relationships. You get what you tolerate, plain and simple. So, mutuality and reciprocity are key. Counting the emotional and spiritual cost of relationships, I am better able to steward my heart well.

• No more going along to get along. This one dies hard, but I no longer hide parts of myself for fear of losing a relationship. If the cost of acquiescence is integrity, then the answer is no.

• No more saying yes to every request. Doing so protects my peace and my time. I am learning how to say no without guilt or apology.

• No more hustle. I can be still and remain valuable to others. My identity is less about what I do- and more about who I am in Christ. And that is always enough.

• No more fixing. Not every problem requires my reaction/response. I remain responsible to other people without being responsible for them. Loving presence and quiet support are enough.

  My love for and belief in others alone will not hasten change in their lives. It has to be their decision- not mine.

  I am working this out in real time. The hard days come, but in the words of the great St. Anne (Lamott),

“When faced with a crisis, do three things: breathe, pray, and be kind.”