Raising Teens: Tips: From Veteran Parents
I just pulled out of the middle school parking lot-for the last time. The middle school years are officially over— the end of an era. We are now officially a high school household.
This one’s for you, teen parents. I SEE YOU and am in it WITH you, friends. Mood swings. Tears. Big, BIG feelings.
As my kids have passed through the early teen years, I have tried to hold on to that which is good while embracing the hard, too. Some days, I was able to take a deep breath and blow off the irritability and snark— other days, I ate my feelings and longed for squooshy toddler snuggles.
The good news?
We still laugh. A lot. My kids still hug me in public and in front of their friends. We are walking the road of managing conflict and relational repair. It is a messy, imperfect, and good work.
In the toughest moments, I’ve leaned deep into the wisdom of friends who have gone before on the parenting journey. Below are some of their helpful tips to maneuver through the teen years:
Lean on your people. Take care of yourself emotionally through the gift of community. We can’t- and shouldn’t-do this alone. Take that mom of college-aged kids out for coffee and ask lots of questions. Work friends? Bible study? Boot camp group? Walking buddy? Find a few safe people and have the hard conversations.
Don't take it personally. Yes, the surliness feels personal, but it often has nothing to do with you. Try to hold onto your sense of humor and compassion- especially when your feelings have been hurt.
Be kind to yourself. Invest in yourself and your interests. The pursuit of passions apart from family life will remind you- and your teens-that they don’t carry the weight of your happiness or identity.
Move. Work the angst out. Walk. Lift heavy weights. Rage clean the house like a beast. Allow daily movement (note I didn’t say exercise) to help you cope with the wild ride of parenting teens.
Find ways to connect with your teen on their terms. It is about connection. This one has been tough for me. Switch tennis and Taco Bell runs have replaced play dates and Uno marathons. My idea of fun? Not always, but the laughter and high-fives during a heated match remind me to create space to play on my teen’s terms.
Good kids can make dumb choices. Reframe expectations. Forgive. Teens will let you down. Controlling them isn’t the point; as your teens grow in competence and confidence, continue the real work of cultivating character within the context of progressive freedoms and responsibilities.
Serve others with your teens. Service breeds perspective and gratitude, both strong bulwarks against self-pity and self-centeredness.
Pray. Often. The teen years truly are sanctifying. Digging into your faith and God’s unchanging character will soothe your weary soul during the seasons of upheaval.
Get a dog. Your dog will always be happy to see you!
Shift your role from teacher to that of coach. Discipline still matters, but it is time to transition communication from that of kid speak to that of a young adult (even when they don’t deserve it). Even if your teen can’t tell you, they need to hear and see you say, “You have what it takes to do this.” Hard to do? Yes. Necessary to launch healthy young adults into the world? Absolutely.
Parent with an eye toward the spouse, parent, or adult they will one day become. Allow that future vision to guide you as you transition into this season of life and parenting.
Stay calm. This one might be the toughest. BUT, your self-control emulates the emotional regulation your teen needs to cultivate their own. If you can’t? Take a deep breath, walk away, and try again.
And when (not if) you blow it, cut yourself some slack. Then circle the wagons back around and do the necessary repair work. Own your mistake and apologize without excuse.
Seek out and enjoy the sweet moments. Yes, teens can be challenging; but, they can be hilarious and so much fun. Tuck the sweet moments deep into your heart to lift your spirits on the longer days.
As my veteran parent buddies have reminded me, this too shall pass. It can be a rocky- and fun season. Some days remain difficult, but glimpses of emerging maturity, budding competence, and unbridled laughter (albeit in deeper voices) urge us to remain present and faithful to this season.
How about you? What parenting wisdom has helped you during the teen years?
